Saturday, February 14, 2015

You have spoiled me. Taught me to love myself just a little more. Reminded me that I am not as bad as I make myself out to be. You have accepted and you have cared and you have listened. Maybe just a little too much.

And that is why sometimes, when I talk to you in my head I freeze. I trip over the words I am thinking because I brake suddenly.

Because I am afraid. Of you, of what we have, of myself, of how you make me feel, of the future, of everything. A kind of choking fear that drowns out all rational thought. That takes all that's bad and then compounds it. Momentary, but overpowering.

A fear that I am not good enough for you. Too young, too immature, too annoying, too plain, too excitable, too far away.

A fear that we were never supposed to get together, that we will never work.

A fear that what we have is just too good to be true. Combined with a fear that maybe we don't have anything at all and that we're just deluding ourselves into believing we do.

A fear that one day you will wake up and realize that I am not as strong or well-read or smart or verbose or interesting as you first thought.

A fear that one day I'll just push too hard with something I say or do and that final straw is what will make you decide enough is enough.

A fear that maybe I've used up all the good that I'm supposed to get in my lifetime and that if this goes away, you go away, I will never ever get any more because no one person gets to have that much.

And on top of all of that, combined with all of that, the fear that you will get bored of me. That if I don't try hard enough to keep you, you'll leave.

All of it is as simple as that. And as complicated as that.

I have no idea what I would do without you.

Friday, February 13, 2015

I don't deal very well with change. Which is not the most effective way to be because well, as the cliche goes, change is the most constant thing in the world.

We are changing every minute, every second; both physically and mentally, constantly.

The thing about change and friendships is that while people become friends for multiple reasons, those reasons can change over time. While once people connected over mutual shared interests, maybe they grow to become friends who need each other for support during difficult times. While sometimes adversity can build a friendship, when things get back to normal, that relationship might just not work anymore. There are work friends who you never meet outside work and friends with whom you never discuss work.

The thing is, usually when people are friends, they get to grow and change together. Sometimes even affecting the changes in each other (and nope, I'm not talking about girls' periods syncing up). Friends figure out life together, or try to at least. They are with each other through changing ideologies and new discoveries, heartbreaks and recoveries. When the changes happen the process feels gradual, organic. You get to adapt and even if those changes don't sit well with you, you grow into them with time.

Then there's the long-distance friendships (LDFs). Friendships where talking happens once in six months and meetings, once in a year. Friendships which devolve into acquaintanceships. Friends who disappear because out of sight is out of mind.

And while you're dealing with the challenges inherent in maintaining LDFs, you don't have the advantage of adapting to change. In that half-yearly conversation six months' of change and growth is thrown at you. In that yearly meeting, you have three hours to adapt to a different person from the one you knew a year ago.

What if you don't even like the new person anymore? You haven't had that gradual acceptance and what if you, at the stage you are at, do not feel like you are friends at all? What then? You speak to each other and your mind cannot process and you feel like maybe the new people you have turned into cannot be friends. You sit across from someone you grew up with and suddenly you realize that the people you are, aren't compatible.

What then?

How do you deal with the fact that you don't even like the person you once loved?

Is it shock? A reaction to too much information in too little time? Something that will go away with that magic word - time?

Or is it the death knell of a friendship?

How do you cope?

Sigh.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The moon and I

There was a full moon today. And being on the late night shift meant that I followed the moon to work. And followed it back home as the sun rose.

It looked so beautiful in the sky that I had to work doubly hard to concentrate on the road to keep from being distracted by it.

And as I watched it I thought of us. Of our conversations about it.
Of Goa, when we spoke of the tides and how the moon calls to the sea.
Of Hampi, when we discussed why we had to give it a gender at all and how I got lost in that conversation.
Of how our childhoods were spent visualizing the moon as 'chanda mama'; how it is also known as a woman with blemishes and how she casts such a spell.
Of that really corny movie dialogue which is something to the effect of 'when I look at the moon even when you aren't around I know that wherever you are, you are looking at the same moon.'

More than anything else, I realized how much can be connected to something as incongruous and common as a full moon day.
The desire to be with you, the memories of conversations, the fleeting snapshots of meetings, the romanticism of the poets and the science behind the tides.

You will always be my moon.
Lighting up the dark of my night.
Disappearing when the morning comes.
Living on reflected beauty but being all the more beautiful for it because one can actually look directly at the moon with no fear of being blinded.
Mysterious and so very very far away.

I will always be the tide.
Constantly running to catch you.
Dancing at your whims and fancies.
Stretching out to you at your slightest call.

And always, always, falling just a little bit short of actually finding you.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Six!

Wow.

I cannot believe I didn't even realize it till today.

You turned six this year, Things and Thoughts *GASP*

I cannot believe it has actually been this long that I have been writing and updated this virtual collection of thoughts, memories and ideas. I have been very lax this year with the updates, breaking my two posts a day rule and I am ashamed of that. But well, regardless of the frequency of my updates, the point is that I have been updating this lovely dumping ground for ideas for a whole six years :O

I've been told multiple times to shift to Wordpress because it's easier to customize. But how do I just leave these six years of history behind? Nope. Not happening.

I do blog occasionally on my Tumblr blog (ayeshasruti.tumblr.com) and yes that is a bit of blatant self-promotion there. But this space is still where I come to vent. With its upwards of 35 drafts and as of this post, 272 updates, this blog has been a large part of my writing and growing up experience.

Thank you to those few who bother to read my rants and useless theories.

And thank you, dear blog.

Cheers and happy sixth!

:D

P.S. - I got some great news today. And I need to put it somewhere to remember it, and well, that's the point of this blog. So YAY! It's like blogception where I'm celebrating blog being around by thanking blog for being around by using it to celebrate something else.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

I read something today that made me think of you. Then again, there are too many things that make me think of you. A picture, a song, so many random things.

Anyway, I was reading an article that talked about the things one thinks of before falling asleep. Because those last few minutes before you fall asleep are your quietest, most personal moments, away from the noise of the people around you and the constant barrage of information that assails you through the day. And how the person you think of in that time, in those few moments before sleep takes over, is extremely privileged.

Because you see, when you think of this person through the day, it isn't as important or relevant since those thoughts are soon replaced with the million other things going through your head. But in the quiet of the night, when you really have time to think, and this is who you dedicate your thoughts to, then the person is special, important.

I think that we usually, not always, but often, end up dreaming about those last thoughts in our head. Or we try to think of things that we might want to dream about which adds to the fact that you think of this person because you might want to also dream of him/her.

And every day, I find myself thinking of you. Because I can't be with you like I want to, I tend to think of you just as I fall asleep, hoping that maybe that night, I will dream of you. And it's why I like talking to you when I get into bed or before I get into bed. It's all very silly. But it's true.

You are the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Broken record

Stuck

Stuck

Stuck

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Goodbye

I've been putting this off for a few months now. I keep writing this and then deleting it and then writing it again and then saving it and then coming up with lines in that dim haze just before falling asleep so that I can forget them when I wake up the next day. This is one of those posts that will not make things better when I write it all out. On the contrary, it'll probably make things worse by concretizing something very painful. Probably why I have broken my own "writing is therapeutic purging" rule in this particular regard.

Now that the explanation is done, let me get straight to Part 1.

Long distance relationships are very difficult.
Now the thing is, whenever anyone hears the words "long distance relationship," the mind immediately jumps to the romantic relationship. And images of late-night conversations, phone bills and constant angst. More often than not, all of those associations are true and justified. But what people seem to forget is that friendships between people in different places are also long distance relationships. So if you live in one city and your best friend lives in another, that is also a long distance relationship. The reason I bring this up and explain it is because long distance friendships, LDFs, are sometimes much more difficult than the long distance romances, LDRs.

When people are not in physical proximity to each other, the principle of "out of sight, out of mind" immediately comes into play. Now with LDRs, people make more of an effort to reduce that by making it a point to talk regardless of work and fatigue because there is love, lust and desire at play. There is a certain selfishness that makes it difficult to take the LDR for granted because the factors at play differ from those of the LDF.
Things change when it comes to friends. Since you were so close or since you believe you know each other so well that the friend will understand, it becomes that much easier to take the LDF for granted. It becomes easy to take the person himself/herself for granted because "hey, you know what I'm like na. I suck at keeping in touch and I've been so busy and so much has been happening and I know you understand." And the ironic truth is that the friendship itself hinges on that very understanding of each other.

The essential difference is that because it's easier to take each other for granted, the parties in an LDF have to make that much more effort to stay in each other's lives. Like with LDRs where people do cheesy things they otherwise would laugh at and arrange date nights every week or call as often as possible and constantly text, LDFs also need friend chat nights, long rambling mails, more WhatsApp and more SMSes if WhatsApp isn't an option.


Now for Part 2 of this letter/ramble/post.

It is much more difficult to get over a friendship than a romance.
In a romance, when the two people decide they can't be together, they have "the talk". They talk about breaking up and the reasons why. Even if the breakup isn't mutual, the dreaded talk still happens. Where one person says "I can't do this anymore." There is a modicum of closure. You KNOW that the relationship is over and can begin the process of moving on.
But with a friendship, there is no talk. Because more often than not, you don't even realize that the relationship is over. There is no closure because the next time you two meet, you'll probably have an okay time but when you leave, it goes back to no calls, no conversations. One day you wake up and realize that the only updates you are getting are from Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. You see a 'Last seen at XX' on WhatsApp and realize that you have not had a conversation in a while. You think of the last time you spoke and you can't remember when it was and you see a huge black chasm of empty where your supposedly forever friendship was. And another thing, it's very possible that the second person realizes none of these things. Which is another reason why it's more difficult for one person to get over the failed relationship.

With the end of a romance, you turn to your friends for support.
With the end of a friendship, where do you go?


Now Part 3.

Why I have rambled so much.

Because I'm grieving. I woke up one day and realized that the "family" I chose for myself doesn't exist anymore. After growing up with barely any friends, when I found a set of people who understood and loved me, I decided I would never let go. And the thing is, I did try. But then, I realized that if people want you in their lives, they'll make just as much of an effort as you do to have you in their lives. That when I take a step forward, the other person must too. And to fall back on the age-old cliche, "You can't clap with one hand." That while you might want to hold on to someone, they have to want to be held on to.

It's because I realized that while I was expected to understand busy schedules and new boyfriends/girlfriends, new office friends, workplace shenanigans and gruelling college timetables, my one-time friends forgot that I have the same issues too. I work and have weird shifts. I also have office friends to maintain relationships with. I have my mom to make time for. I have a non-college group boyfriend. While I was expected to drop everything to maintain a friendship I believed important, the second party didn't care enough to do the same.

While I was expected to understand that X or Y or Z sucks at keeping in touch, X and Y and Z forgot that sometimes I prefer texting to talking on the phone. That I on principle will reply to any message I get, no matter how busy I am, to the extent that it borders on a compulsion.

Friendships survive when there are one-on-one conversations. While group conversations have their own unique charm, they are also safe because you don't have to make that much of an effort to understand one person. You can disappear in the five other chattering voices and speak up once in a while without it being a problem.

So the reason I have been putting this post off for so long and have ranted for so long, is because I am trying to heal. And the fact that writing this down is a symbolic gesture that means a lot.
I am trying to move on from the broken friendships that I can never get closure from. I am trying not to feel jealous when I see an update or picture on Facebook/Instagram, wondering how if there was time to post that update, there was no time to say hello. I am trying to be indifferent to those 'Last seen at XX' moments, wondering if that conversation could have been with me. I am trying to live without the pieces of myself I gave away in vain to people who I thought deserved them.

Which is why any breakup in this social media obsessed age is impossible. But then that's a topic for another day.

I am trying to work harder at saving the few LDFs that did survive and are surviving the distance. Because the fact that they lasted this long, means that maybe I wasn't completely idiotic with my choice of family.

This is an attempt at saying goodbye.

I know I will never completely move on. It's almost impossible to, as I just illustrated. But at least I can try letting go of the pain, hurt, bitterness and anger.

I suck at letting go. Because anyone who has followed this blog knows that I am hoarder who is terrified of forgetting.

But well, it's high time that I make self-preservation my overarching impulse.

So...

Goodbye.