Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Do not show. Do not tell.

Know how it's said that relationships are about honesty and trust? How you should be completely honest with the ones you love? How you need to make sure the person you love knows the good, the bad and the ugly? And how you need to respect them enough to let them decide whether they accept it or not? How love is about taking chances and jumping off a cliff hoping you can fly and any other metaphors the movies and books keep telling you about?

Yeah. About that.

It's BULLSHIT.

Take it from me, a small no one in a world full of nobodies, who has nothing to her name but some experience, a few words and too many ideas.

Risks can fail. Miserably. Nothing good can ever come out of true honesty.

Write those feelings, those opinions down on pieces of paper and then send them out into the universe. Save them as notes on your phone and drafts on your blog. Anywhere you can get yours hands on that will help you feel like you've gotten them out of your system.

Whatever you do, don't tell.

Don't show how intensely and how much you feel. Don't show the fear, the absolute panic.

You cannot judge, you cannot speak, you cannot let on how much goes on in your head.

How can you show them all that darkness, all those jagged pieces?

You cannot scare them away.

Because if they leave then how will you find anyone to love you again.

Swallow them down, those words, those feelings.

Do not show, do not tell.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I get off the cab and walk up the two flights of stairs trying not to slip and break my neck because it's dark. I don't want to switch on the lights and wake the whole building up. I try to be as quiet as I can be when unlocking the door, but at this time of the day everything is eerily magnified. I shut the door and lock it quietly behind me, glad that it doesn't creak. I leave my sandals at the door, glad to get into my exquisitely comfortable home slippers.

I check the door again, because I'm paranoid.

Now that I'm on familiar ground, I don't need to switch on the lights, unless you've left your slippers or the TV remotes lying around again, something I wouldn't be surprised by. I leave my bag in a corner where I know you won't trip on it the morning when you wake up because I'm considerate like that. I leave my watch on the table near the bag. I walk into the bathroom, slipping out of my jeans into a pair of shorts and a tee. I take off my bra, the ultimate sign that I am home. I wash my face and feet.

I'm hungry and dinner feels like hours ago. I know you probably didn't leave anything for me from dinner so I scrounge through the fridge wondering what I can munch on. That's when I see the bowl of noodles and the postit that I read using the light from the fridge, "Knew you'd be hungry. Left some for you. Not as much of an ass as all that. Have some faith." Grinning to myself I grab a fork and eat the noodles, sitting on the kitchen counter because I can't be bothered to walk back to the kitchen once I'm done. I leave the bowl in the sink, glad that the maid will wash up in the morning.

Now that I'm full I just want to crawl into bed.

I walk into the bedroom and from the door I can see you sprawled on our bed, one leg under the blanket and one leg out. I smile again. I crawl into the bed and nuzzle against you. You shift position and pull me close mumbling something, still fast asleep. I breathe you in, relaxing completely.

We fit together, as if we were created as one entity and then in two only so that we could find each other again.

It is now that I know I'm finally home, exactly where I am meant to be. That the really weird work hours, the monotony and the stupid cab complaints are all okay if they end with this - me coming home to your arms every night. Because with you, is where I belong.

I close my eyes and fall asleep with a smile on my face.

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I get off the cab and walk up the two flights of stairs trying not to slip and break my neck because it's dark. I don't want to switch on the lights and wake the whole building up. I try to be as quiet as I can be when unlocking the door, but at this time of the day everything is eerily magnified. I shut the door and lock it quietly behind me, glad that it doesn't creak. I leave my sandals at the door, glad to get into my exquisitely comfortable home slippers.

I check the door again, because I'm paranoid.

Now that I'm on familiar ground, I don't need to switch on the lights, unless I left the TV remotes lying around again, something I wouldn't be surprised by. I leave my bag in a corner where I won't trip on it whenever it is that I wake up. I leave my watch on the table near the bag. I walk into the bathroom, slipping out of my jeans into a pair of shorts and a tee. I take off my bra, the ultimate sign that I am home. I wash my face and feet.

I'm hungry and dinner feels like hours ago. I know there is nothing in the fridge because I was too lazy to go grocery shopping. There is some bread left in the kitchen and I spread some butter and jam on a few slices. I eat while sitting on the kitchen counter because I can't be bothered to walk back to the kitchen once I'm done. I leave the plate in the sink, glad that the maid will wash up in the morning.

Now that I'm full I just want to crawl into bed.

I walk into the bedroom and get into bed. I put my phone on charge and play some music. I set a sleep timer on the app so that it doesn't stay on the whole time I'm asleep. I hug my pillow tight, cover myself up and sigh.

Tomorrow I do this all over again. The really weird work hours, the monotony and the stupid cab complaints.

I close my eyes and fall asleep. Alone.