The film industry loves making films about speed and unstoppable vehicles. The train is on a track going at a breakneck speed and it need to be stopped. Or the bus is fitted with a bomb which will explode if the speed falls below a certain level. Etc etc etc.

What if you know for sure that the path you have chosen is going to end in a walloping crash? That the moment you stepped on it, you set out on a journey that will end in disappointment? What if you are on a vehicle that is set to blow up and you know it? What if all the choices you have made culminate in a dramatic mushroom cloud of smoke?

Do you jump off? Or do you enjoy the ride while it lasts?

Christmas

December and January are my favourite months of the year. The end and the beginning.

I've been meaning to write about Christmas for a long time now. So here goes. And yes, I'm off by a day but better late than never right.

I like the idea of Christmas. The idea of Christmas that has been pushed into my brain through Hollywood movies and literature. And call me cliched but I've always wanted it. That image of a roaring fireplace with a huge table laden with food. The wine and the turkey and the stuffing. The snow outside the window with the carols playing in the background. The warm woolens and the rich chocolate cake. The pudding and the pies. The big Christmas roast and the wonderful sauce and the steaming mugs of cocoa after. The sips of brandy all around to chase away the cold. The coffee. The laughter and the gossip of the family. The blankets and the socks. The reruns of old Christmas movies on the TV.

I've always wanted a white Christmas. And I don't think people who know me should be surprised that a major part of this post has been dedicated to the food.

But this is my Christmas wish. A huge Christmas feast with all the trappings. And great company to share it with.

Unrecognizable

A shadow of the past
A faint glimmer of who I once was
The mirror shows me a different person
A new face, a new smile
Shallow, empty, fake.

Every choice I made.
Built the person I am,
And destroyed the person I was.

Promises broken, blank words.
Water under the bridge they call it.

Defences breached
Only to cause despair and ruin inside the castle.
Fear and doubt,
Constant companions.

Trust misplaced.
Expectations ground into the dirt.
Disappointment at every turn.

All the change,
Fruitless, useless, needless

No masks left.
The costumes all torn
The dialogues all ancient history
The lights smashed
The stage shattered

Leaving me wrecked
Feeling disgusted.
Unappreciated, unloved, deserted.

Leaving me
Unrecognizable...

I'm proud of myself. After a long time, I'm proud of something I did. My 100th post here was one of those times. Getting featured on the Maadhyam page as the first featured blog was another. These times come rarely and that's what makes them all the more special.

Now you might wonder what made today one of those moments.

I flipped pancakes today. For the first time ever, I tried flipping a pancake, without a spatula like those chefs I admire on TV. And it wasn't just one. It was three :)

It's a small, insignificant thing. But it makes me feel very good. To be standing in my kitchen, flipping a pancake made me feel very important.

It's something I'll remember. It's filed away in that space in my mind reserved for such memories. One among so many others. But just as important.

Plans

When you make plans you expect them to work out. And the key word here is expect. Which more often than not means disappointment.

Because plans usually involve factors other than just yourself. They involve places, inanimate objects maybe but never just yourself in isolation. So when you plan to read, the book could be horrible. When you plan to listen to music, your earphones could stop working. When you plan to use the internet, it would refuse to work. When you plan to go someplace, it could start raining or you could not have transport. Etc etc etc.

And then there are those that involve other people. These are plans which are most likely to, and 99% of the time always do, disappoint. These plans would require a mind other than your own, which means that you can't control it. Thus making it, you guessed it, fail. Because when you make these plans, you expect the other person/s to also think the same way. You expect her/him/them to do a certain thing or be at a certain place or stick to a certain time. Which further compounds the likelihood of said plans failing.

Solution to problem - Don't make plans and don't depend on others thus avoiding disappointment.

Reality - Learn to deal with the disappointment.

You know the thing about being an idiot... The only one you hurt is yourself.

A lack of space is a really bad thing for a hoarder like me. I find it very hard to let go of things, throw things away. Both literally and figuratively.

I collect odd and ends. Tickets, stones, shells, bills. Memories, pictures, movies, books, tv shows. I hoard. And store. Because I find meaning in these things. The bill saved from dinner. The passes to plays and concerts I've been to. The movies I love watching over and over again. Quotes saved as drafts on my phone. A stone which looks just right in the sunlight. Shells from beach visits when we were kids. I keep all these. And attach importance to these inanimate objects. And I'm scared that letting any of these things go would mean that I'll forget.

I'll forget that really amazing concert. I'll never find that pretty stone again. That I won't remember that really nice dinner. That I won't remember that one really bad day. That I'll forget... That if I let go of one thing, that'll mean it's gone forever.

So then I start running out of boxes to keep these things. My table gets cluttered. And my hard drive acts up because there is too much on it.

And I have to start clearing things out. And throwing things away. With every paper i throw away, I feel like I'm forgetting.

But I guess there are some things you just must throw away. Some conversations you shouldn't remember. Some things you should just let go of.

Doesn't make it any simpler knowing that...