Wham, Bam, Boom

You fall to new lows everyday. And constantly struggle to come back to the level you used to be at.

The thing is, the harder you try to climb to the top, the faster you slip to the bottom.

You grovel for attention. You can't deal with separation. The dark scares you. And loneliness lets the nightmares attack. You pounce on the scraps of respect that people dole out. You look for meaning in empty words. You dream of the impossible and hope it'll come true even though you know it won't. You expect what you don't deserve.

Eventually, you look into the mirror and can't meet your own eyes because you have fallen so very hard, so very fast and you're ashamed of it.

That's when you know for sure.

Change is a cruel mistress. It turns you into your worst nightmare.

And there is no coming back from where you've ended up.

How does it feel?

So how does it feel to know that you are completely dispensable in someone's life? All that you thought was important and necessary, suddenly just a pitiful attempt at self-consolation.

How does it feel to know that you do not matter? That you never did. That you were just a waste of space and breath. That you are just as easily replaceable as a broken chair or a dirty pillow cover.

How does it feel to know that the love you gave and the sacrifices you made were secretly laughed at? How does it feel when you realise that the respect you were given was a pacifier, given to a baby to keep it silent and out of everyone's way.

How does it feel to have your beliefs and ideas, which you tried so hard to stand by, thrown back spitefully in your face like a cruel joke? How does it feel to be just a number on the phone, deleted with the click of a button?

How does it feel to have the carpet whipped out from under your feet making you land with a great big thump on your behind? How does it feel to see those painstakingly built castles crash as if they were made of sawdust?

Oh wait.

You don't know?

Well think about it. And prepare yourself.

Because in reality, you never mattered, you never will. You'll disappear like the biodegradable lump of human matter that you really are and no one will even notice.

The only person you have the right to hurt is yourself.

The perfect coffee 13

It has been months. I apologise to those few who maybe read this space and maybe missed my adventures with coffee.

To be completely honest, I haven't tasted a lot of coffee in Pune since my last post. Myriad reasons led me to abandon the search for my true perfect cup. I did drink a few cups here and there but nothing that was worth mentioning here except maybe the coffee from Coffee House in M.G. Road, Pune.

But this post isn't about excuses. I don't even know if signals another beginning to the search. This post is just dedicated to the absolute bliss I experienced yesterday.

At Saravana Bhavan. In Delhi of all places.

I was bored and tired of all the rotis and the sabjis and was desperate for a taste of South Indian food, if only for a change of flavour. And so Devu and I set off to the Saravana Bhavan at Connaught Place. Dosa with chutney and sambar. Pakka South Indian :) and then the cherry on the cake. The coffee... True South Indian filter coffee. Served in a glass with a bowl. Strong, frothy, milky. PERFECT.

And it gave me so much happiness that I had to write about it :)

It didn't matter that it was super hot outside, not exactly conducive to hot coffee, or that it was too less. It was just that one perfect glass of South Indian coffee that I have so desperately been looking for.

Now all I need is a Saravana Bhavan in Pune.

It's getting harder to hold it all in.

Things seem pretty good on the outside,
But the core is rotting, slowly.

The walls look sturdy
But the foundation's crumbling from within.

The good that people do disappears with the wind
But the bad? That stays. It's remembered. It's held on to.

Things you smile and wave away,
You say they don't matter anyway.
In reality they live and grow and fester
Bottled up and hidden inside they stay.

Things are good, you smile and nod.
Ignoring the pain, the hurt, the doubt.

Because hope keeps us going, keeps us alive.
Maybe we'll heal, we'll change, we'll survive.

Shards and pieces

Stillness, stagnation and change.
Oxymorons much?

Repetition and trials
So much gone wrong
So many threads unravelled.
So many pieces broken, lost.

Mistakes, memories.
Millions of thoughts.
Just drifting around.
Floating.

Irrevocable damage
Unknowingly done.
Irreplaceable pieces
Knowingly discarded.

Masks and mirages.
Hopes and desires.
Regrets and remorse.
Together all
Constantly shifting.

Silence, a lie.
Rest, a luxury.

Words.
A release.