When you flip a coin to decide between two things you really want, it doesn't really matter what the coin finally says. The real way to know what you truly want is that millisecond while the coin is in the air, spinning and falling. In that moment you know what you WISH the coin would be and that right there is your answer.

It's something I remember seeing in a movie and I don't even remember which one. But it makes way too much sense to be forgotten. And it works, I've tried it.

Life is like an orange. It has these segments, these parts, separate but part of a whole. And every segment is made up of moments, countless small moments which give it character and flavour.

You might think that it's easy to separate each of these segments, and enjoy it in isolation, but it doesn't work like that.

Because everything is interconnected. The segments, the pulp, the white skin which is so hard to swallow, all of it together encased in this thing called the universe. And unless you enjoy it all together, there is no real happiness. Unless you squeeze every bit of juice out of all of it, there is no real fulfilment.

It is said that the only way you can truly love someone else is if you love yourself first. Easy to say, isn't it?

What about when the very fact that you love someone makes you then hate yourself? How are you supposed to love yourself when you have done something reprehensible and then you realise that you don't care that you have? How does it even work when you look into a mirror every morning and see everything you hate about yourself? Embrace your flaws they say. Hah!

How do you face yourself in the mirror every day when whatever you see isn't good enough? How are you supposed to reconcile yourself to the fact that you have turned into one thing you hate - a hypocrite? How do you ever give yourself a chance when all that ever does is cause the most important people in your life pain? We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, but what if the very mistake we made was to give ourselves a chance? What then?

Self-love isn't easy. And most of the time it doesn't even work. Hmph.

Quotable quote and all that

Life is all about getting used to doing things you do not want to do. - Yours truly

Magic

I never believed in magic. I'm the logical type, you see. Magic is for the children, for fairy tales and poems, for the weak who console themselves with lies.

But how wrong am I. I could not have been farther from the truth.

Magic exists. All it takes is a moment, and it's there, staring you in the face.

I experienced magic this weekend at NH7 Weekender in Pune. I saw it envelop me, caress me, carry me away. For one weekend, I went on a vacation I will never forget. Back to a place that was my home away from home for three years but now is just a place I can visit once in a while. I met old friends, people who grew with me, around me. I made new friends, in the most unexpected way, people who have changed me for good. I walked down the corridors I trudged along for three years. Met those people who structured my life, gave it direction. And I attended India's happiest music festival. They don't call it that for nothing.

I stood mesmerised as musicians spun magic with their words, their tunes, their instruments. I danced along as they carried me away on clouds of joy. I ran from The Dewarists stage to the Other stage, pushing and jostling for the best view. I screamed myself hoarse and head-banged till my neck hurt. I didn't sleep. I was happy. And that's all that mattered. From Kailasa to the Raghu Dixit Project, from Shrilektric to the Karsh Kale Collectiv, from Trilok Gurtu to Seun Kuti, from Agam to Thermal and a Quarter, from Alien Chutney to the Bombay Bicycle Club, from the Manganiyar Seduction by Roysten Abel to Swanand and Shantanu; every single one of them together wove a collective spell that made me leave the world behind and disappear into a land of happiness and magic.

Leaving that festival behind and saying goodbye to old friends and new was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Experiencing such magic and then having to leave it all behind was insanely difficult.

The dream had to end, the spell had to break. But unlike a dream which you barely remember when you wake up, this magic is something I will always carry in my mind. Moments which I will flick through at will to find that magic again. Because those moments were real, they happened and they will always, always be a part of me.

November 2, 3 and 4, 2012, thank you for making me believe in magic again.

I've written before about dialogues that have stuck with me. Either for their truth, their simplicity, their relevance or just the brilliance of the words.

This one just stuck.

"But that doesn't excuse any of it. I'm pond scum. Well, lower actually. I'm like the - the fungus that feeds on pond scum.
Lower. The pus that infects the mucous... that cruds up the fungus... that feeds on the pond scum." - My best friend's wedding

Yes, it's from a chick-flick and yes, I've watched it way too many times to even remember how many times I've watched it.

And this one dialogue stayed. Because there are times when that's what I feel like - pond scum.

It's funny how when things are going well, no one ever bothers to think about the future. The present is just too 'okay'.

But does no one realise that these, the very moments that are 'okay', are the best times to think about what's to come? Because now, when things are fine and the mind is calm, the future isn't as scary or horrible. Now, when the present has fallen into place, you can peacefully look ahead, with the security that even if you see something dark there, the present will keep you sane and strong.

In times of turmoil, when everything seems to be falling apart, that's when the future seems the scariest. And that's the worst time to plan, or to think. When things are going badly now, everything to come seems wrong too. There is too much happening right now, in this very instant, too much to hold together, to be able to make space for what's to come. And that's when it all truly falls apart.

Use the good to prepare and plan, to dream and save. Use the fine, to make things even better.