Fairytales

You know how in the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy clicked her heels three times and wished really hard that she was back home... I wish sometimes that I had a way to wish really hard and see my wishes come true.

Aladdin and his lamp, Ali Baba and the cave, Cinderella's fairy godmother, Alice and wonderland, Oz, a closet which opens up into another world - they endured for so long. They still endure and still captivate because in all their innocence they say what we are too scared to admit. With simple words and rhyme, they convey what we are too afraid to say out loud.

That we can't cope. That sometimes it all gets too much to handle. That sometimes the games hurt. That sometimes people mean more than they should. That dependency can make you weak. That trust can break you. That walls sometimes crumble and are hard to build again. That sometimes people affect you more than they should.

I wish I could believe in magic. I wish that for a little while I could believe in things like magic shoes, closets, rabbitholes, godmothers and lamps. That for a little while I could believe in escaping.

But then, I can't run away can I? I can't wish things away. I can't escape. And I learn to hide my thoughts behind a joke, a smile. Because in the end, those stories will remain stories, and life will remain in reality.

...

Happiness is so fleeting. It comes rarely and then we sink once again into a deep stinking morass of insecurity, depression, anger and doubt. Life is a constant struggle of keeping afloat for those rare breaths. We swim and struggle against the quicksand. We try to find the shore.
We try, we fight.
We lose.

I wonder

Does the fear of rejection disappear
Once you have been rejected?
Does the uncertainty fade
When the answer is known?
Does hope continue
When the worst has already happened?
Does pain hurt lesser
When you know it was unintentional?
Does it feel good to be needed
When you know you will be forgotten when the need is fulfilled?
Does freedom taste as sweet
When you know you don’t deserve it?
Is love really that amazing
When it is unrequited?
Is life worth living
When you can’t find meaning?
Is pain worth bearing
When you know it’ll never go away?
It friendship worth maintaining
When you aren’t appreciated?
Is hurt worth pushing through
When there is nothing on the other side?

Questions, more questions...
I ask, I wonder, I think.

Fading Beauty

Wrote this for a competition. Not my best.

It all comes to an end
The circle of life
The circle of love
The theory of being.

The colours on a canvas fade away
The letters yellow with age
The memories dim
Friendships end
Love is lost
Never to be found again.

The sun sets in a blaze of colours.
It ushers in the night.
The light gives way to darkness.
Happiness gives way to sorrow.
Hope fades into despair.

faces wrinkle.
Eyes no longer shine bright.
The smile doesn't come as easily as it used to.

Words lose their meaning.
Pieces don't fit.
The music is tuneless
The instruments break.

Everything comes full circle.
Life always ends
All of us disappear.
Slowly, surely, steadily.
We fade away into shadows.
Like we had never existed...

I fight

I stand in front of the mirror
And I can't meet my own eyes.
I can't face myself.
I've turned into someone I don't recognise anymore.
I've become my worst nightmare.
I've always believed in the power of my mind.
I've always trusted the thoughts I've had.
But now I'm not so sure.
Now...
I don't know anymore.

I'm scared of my own thoughts.
Trapped in my mind, I fight to break free.
Thoughts spin around like the winds of a hurricane.
They shift around like desert sand dunes.
A fire burns behind my eyes.
And it consumes me inside out.
Like a disease...
It eats me up.
And I can feel myself disappearing.

I struggle to hold on to myself.
I fight to save the person I used to be.
But I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I don't recognise my own voice.
I don't believe the words I say.
I feel lost, adrift, stranded.

I try to find hope.
I reach out for help.
But all I can hear is laughter.
All I see is rejection.
And all I feel is crushing despair.

I fight a losing battle.

Unexplained

I tire myself out
I hope that if I'm too tired
I can stop thinking
Stop feeling.
That if I'm tired enough
The thoughts will stop haunting me.
I walk till I can't feel my feet anymore
But I still feel the thoughts.
I work till I don't know what I'm doing
But the words still hurt.
I wander off to places far away
Turns out they aren't far enough.

My feet are numb,
And my body is exhausted,
But my thoughts still sound as clear as crystal.
They still remind me of what I'm trying to run away from.
They tell me that I'm waiting for something that'll never happen.

The physical exhaustion dulls nothing.
The pain doesn't drive away the voice.
I have no choice left.
I can't run away anymore.
And I can't escape.
I'm trapped...
In my own head.

The dark side

Every one of us has a dark side; a person inside us who whispers in the night. It hums lullabies so the nightmares can take over. Our dark side fills our head with false hopes. It makes us weep in the darkness. It fills the mind with doubt, fear; sheer, suffocating blackness. Our dark side chokes our dreams and drains away our happiness. It is slow; clawing stealthily forward like the mist. It is a claustrophobic, impenetrable fog. It attacks when we least expect it. It poisons, it maims. With its icy cold dagger it stabs through our strength, pulling us away from the light, the love.

Life is a daily struggle to keep the darkness at bay. It is a fight to keep the dark side hidden in a box, locked away, deep inside the chambers of our mind. Life is all about finding the strength to keep going; to push away the pain; to not shrivel up, hideaway and give up.

Sometimes we win. Sometimes we lose.