Fear is so debilitating. And the future is the scariest thing of them all. Every time I close my eyes, the nightmares come. The questions, the doubts, the fears. I wake up in a cold sweat, forgetting where I am, fighting to breathe. The nightmares still vivid.

So much uncertainty. So many chances for failure. So much left to luck or the vagaries of fate.

No one to trust. Anger and jealousy never far from the surface, stoked by the vile hands of fear.

It is a fear that chokes. For even words, those simple yet powerful charms, do not come. Sentences are left incomplete.

It is fear that overwhelms and consumes. And what makes it worse is that there is no one in the world who can help you. And you have to fight it alone. For everyone leaves and everyone has demons of their own.

It is a fear that makes thoughts tumble out with no sense of head or tail. It makes the strongest crumble into blithering idiots. It rules the mind.

There is nothing you can do but give in to it.

Fare thee well.

It's a nicer thing to say when compared to a simple good bye. It shows that you genuinely mean the other person well when you leave. With no malice intended.

Good bye, on the other hand, seems impersonal and too simple.

So I say to you, fare thee well.

Stay happy. Stay safe. And follow your heart.

Remember that there will always be a place for you in mine.

Man craves company. He craves a response, an acknowledgement. A validation. Proof that he matters. The desire to be heard is built into everyone right from the very time one is born. Right from the very time you scream when you are hungry so that someone listens and feeds you to the time you talk when sad so that someone can comfort you.

Life is spent in a continuous struggle to make yourself indispensable and important to someone. A continuous attempt to be heard, to be noticed.

And life is also a series of disappointments.

The point is, when do you stop getting up after you've fallen down? And when do you stop talking when you realize no one's listening?

Wham, Bam, Boom

You fall to new lows everyday. And constantly struggle to come back to the level you used to be at.

The thing is, the harder you try to climb to the top, the faster you slip to the bottom.

You grovel for attention. You can't deal with separation. The dark scares you. And loneliness lets the nightmares attack. You pounce on the scraps of respect that people dole out. You look for meaning in empty words. You dream of the impossible and hope it'll come true even though you know it won't. You expect what you don't deserve.

Eventually, you look into the mirror and can't meet your own eyes because you have fallen so very hard, so very fast and you're ashamed of it.

That's when you know for sure.

Change is a cruel mistress. It turns you into your worst nightmare.

And there is no coming back from where you've ended up.

How does it feel?

So how does it feel to know that you are completely dispensable in someone's life? All that you thought was important and necessary, suddenly just a pitiful attempt at self-consolation.

How does it feel to know that you do not matter? That you never did. That you were just a waste of space and breath. That you are just as easily replaceable as a broken chair or a dirty pillow cover.

How does it feel to know that the love you gave and the sacrifices you made were secretly laughed at? How does it feel when you realise that the respect you were given was a pacifier, given to a baby to keep it silent and out of everyone's way.

How does it feel to have your beliefs and ideas, which you tried so hard to stand by, thrown back spitefully in your face like a cruel joke? How does it feel to be just a number on the phone, deleted with the click of a button?

How does it feel to have the carpet whipped out from under your feet making you land with a great big thump on your behind? How does it feel to see those painstakingly built castles crash as if they were made of sawdust?

Oh wait.

You don't know?

Well think about it. And prepare yourself.

Because in reality, you never mattered, you never will. You'll disappear like the biodegradable lump of human matter that you really are and no one will even notice.

The only person you have the right to hurt is yourself.

The perfect coffee 13

It has been months. I apologise to those few who maybe read this space and maybe missed my adventures with coffee.

To be completely honest, I haven't tasted a lot of coffee in Pune since my last post. Myriad reasons led me to abandon the search for my true perfect cup. I did drink a few cups here and there but nothing that was worth mentioning here except maybe the coffee from Coffee House in M.G. Road, Pune.

But this post isn't about excuses. I don't even know if signals another beginning to the search. This post is just dedicated to the absolute bliss I experienced yesterday.

At Saravana Bhavan. In Delhi of all places.

I was bored and tired of all the rotis and the sabjis and was desperate for a taste of South Indian food, if only for a change of flavour. And so Devu and I set off to the Saravana Bhavan at Connaught Place. Dosa with chutney and sambar. Pakka South Indian :) and then the cherry on the cake. The coffee... True South Indian filter coffee. Served in a glass with a bowl. Strong, frothy, milky. PERFECT.

And it gave me so much happiness that I had to write about it :)

It didn't matter that it was super hot outside, not exactly conducive to hot coffee, or that it was too less. It was just that one perfect glass of South Indian coffee that I have so desperately been looking for.

Now all I need is a Saravana Bhavan in Pune.