Saturday, December 7, 2013

Be who you are

Be who you are. And do not apologise for it.
Accept who you are. And do not apologise for it.
They say it like it's the easiest thing.
Repeat it like a mantra.
Be who you are. Who you are.

What if I know who I am is all wrong.
Not because they say it is.
Because I think it is, believe it is.
Because I know better.

I know the darkness, the light.
The ugly. I see the warts, the scars.
I feel the broken bones badly mended. That creak when I move. The wounds that are still bleeding and raw.
The filth and the disease inside.
Ugly.

What if I am the reason my relationships fit so badly.
I do too much, expect too little.
What if I am the reason we fight, the reason we unravel.
And I keep picking at the loose threads, making it worse.

We condemn the murderers, the thieves, the rapists.
We say they should not exist.
That they should atone, apologise, change, even die.
When maybe that is who they are.

We pass judgement
From pedestals built on hypocrisy and preconception
From our thrones of shit polished to look like gold
And in the same breath we say
Be who you are. And don't apologise for it.
Be who you are.

What if I am the thief, stealing moments that aren't mine
The liar, living under multiple masks, making appropriate conversation, saying everything right, face on, face off.
The murderer, killing a future that could be
The rapist, looting and plundering the soul of another in search of my own missing pieces.

When the mirror shows me wrong
When the principles I supposedly should stand by are ruining what I hold most dear
When this intelligence I pride myself on is eating me up from the inside
When my anxiety repeats to me how I deserve nothing, no one
When I lie down in the mud so everyone can walk over me
When I give and give while the world continues to take.

That is who I am.

Stuffing pouring out of my insides
A typhoon wreaking havoc in my brain
Words leaking out of my fingers
Bleeding ink and broken dreams
The spectres of my could-have-beens, should-have-beens, will-never-be my permanent companions.

That is who am.

How do I not apologise for it.

2 comments:

Kavya Ashok Kumar said...

This is so harsh and so crystal clear in it's condemnation. And it's amazing how it flows and fits together. (I might not agree with some of the stuff in it, like how you're not awesome and superwoman and stuff), but WOW!!
We've ALL felt this, and it's so ugly and raw and obscene and pitiful at the same time and I've NEVER read anything that puts all those emotions and that state of being into so apt a composition as this one!

Ayesha said...

I was feeling that harsh. Because I was just annoyed with people telling me that I need to accept and all that. Though they are right, it's also so hypocritical.

And I did work on it more than once. Which I rarely do with the stuff I write.

And thanks, love :) That is what I was trying to get at.