I am tired

I am tired. Bone tired. I can feel it in my body. In my head.

I am tired of being strong and being the one who's collected and calm all the time. Of struggling every day to keep my sanity. Of holding the world on my shoulders.

I am tired of taking the fall when I don't have to. Of beating myself up over things I never had to even do. Of feeling guilty all the time. Of apologising and taking the blame.

I am tired of waiting. And watching. And waiting some more. Of convincing myself that this is the way things are, when I know they aren't supposed to be this way. Of staying in the same place, stuck in time. Of being patient.

I am tired of counting on someone and having them fail me, every single day. Of making excuses for other people's behaviour. Of cutting everyone slack while keeping my own line completely taut.

I am tired of saying everything is alright when it really truly isn't. Of being an outsider after I have opened my heart. Of always being on the periphery. Of working so hard to please only to be shown that I am worthless and have no place belonging. Of being nobody.

I am tired of getting up every morning after a restless night full of nightmares. Of being angry all the time.

I am tired of reaching out and finding that there is no one there. Of always being there come hail or high water, and not having anyone there for me. Of spilling my guts and having it all completely ignored. Of giving and giving some more while getting nothing in return. Of caring and not being cared for in return. Of loving and not being loved in return.

I am tired of planning, only to have it blow up in my face. Of building, only to have it kicked to smithereens.

I am tired. Inside and out.

I am tired. And I don't know what to do.